Deepest thoughts

Deepest thoughts-thinking out loud

Been thinking about a lot of stuff today...plugging my walkman in my ears,drowning the sounds of the crowds,the people arnd me.Drowned in my own thoughts.Heck,i'm 17.I gotta do some serious thinking about my future.What do i want for myself? Not for anyone else,but myself? What do i picture myself as in 10 yrs time?

Having a 9-5 job like everyone else? A husband? A family? A fancy car? A big house?What personal acheivements would i have? Other than academic? Would i be swept away by what everyone is doing? The normal way to lead my life? Like what? Pray tell me. Is it getting a uni education,get a bf,get married,get harried with kids,doing laundry,doing housework,going for dinner parties,get a boring job to get paid,being a workaholic till retirement,then what? Relax? Enjoy life? Isn't it..a bit too late?

I've got big plans.Big ideas for myself.But since nothing substantial or concrete is being done, you can say i'm a dreamer.Looked at the general section in the lib today.Flipped thru some biographies.Some pple lead exciting lives.They chose it.They did it.They didn't just say it and forgot about it.Gotta borrow some of them to read after promos.I need to get my life organised and stop living the way pple tell me to.

I sort of know what i want.Just not brave enough to carry them out.And all of them are kinda sketchy.Hope i can realise a lotta them someday.I realize i can have a choice.There are so many choices in life.You just have to choose and stop listening to propaganda and being so bland and normal.I know i don't ever want to be stuck in some sucky office doing paperwork, rushing for meetings and deadlines.I imagine being free.I dunno,perhaps a job tt requires me to travel. I've only heard and read so much.When can i actually feel and breathe them? And doing missionary work in diff parts of the world whenever i can.Doing things tt i like.Why not do something gd,something useful when you're alive and breathing? Having a 9-5 job or whatever isn't anything beneficial.It's kind of selfish to think of it.You'll be swept away amongst rivalry, competition,and grow up to be a selfish,demanding person.Stressed and worried over trival things.Isn't it time to say it's enough? I don't know abt anyone,but i want to go sky-diving, bungee jumping...Just pack a bag and just...go.There's so much abt the world you'll nvr understand.At least try rit?

At least when i'm old and rapping to my grandchildren or something,i won't feel tt there's this huge empty space tt i haven't filled in my life,regretted not doing.There's just so much more out there.Maybe it's cos i haven't been confined to one country for my whole life.I keep reminding myself tt there's so much beyond what we know.I don't imagine myself squeezing into a tight mango top,carrying a prada bag and teetering in stilletos,having lots of diamond rings on my fingers,wearing makeup to look presentable,being a taitai,hitting the gym thrice a week,going for dinner parties,going pubs,chasing fashion,and a gazillion other things. Cos deep down i know, tt i'm still the little girl looking at the big blue ocean,waves lapping at her feet, clouds roaming above,tasting the tangy,salty air,with a slight breeze blowing through my hair,in an old tee and pants rolled up with a old pair of sneakers somewhere along the shore.And i'd feel so small... always wanting more.